Oops

Apparently my subconscious and my sewing machine teamed up because I have created a monster out of what seemed to be this innocent egg-shell colored raw silk: a slutty wedding dress.

Stogies and true love?

Klarinka isn't sleeping but I am having the weirdest, Freudian field day dreams. My subconscious is having a field day with my nocturnal thinking. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I've been doing some odd stuff and hitting the town on Sunday and Monday nights. It also probably has to do with the fact I've been spending too much time with my non-relationship relationship, who texted me last night at 9 pm to see if I wanted to go to the cigar room at a steakhouse downtown. Being a vegetarian and trying to stay off the booze, I said yes.

I think it's funny that a week ago me and the non-relationship relationship had a discussion about name dropping as being a sign that you like someone. The discussion ended with a stern "don't go dropping my name;" however, I learned last night that my name has been dropped quickly frequently by him. So what's that all about, hmmm?

So I'll continue to let my subconscious mull that one over in the night time brandy sifter of the cigar room of my dreams.

Insomniac

This has been a week now. I can't sleep. Sleeping is one of my all-time favorite activities and it distresses me that I can't partake. For example, I went to bed around midnight and have been up since 1:30. The last time I slept through the night was last Tuesday, albeit heavy intoxication....and even that was only 5 hours. I'm the kind of girl that needs 10 hours of sleep a night, so you can only imagine how dysfunctional I've become with the 2 or 3 hours I'm getting. On top of that, I keep waking up sweating and feverish...but I'm not sick. What the heck is going on? I think it's my dreams...which remind me there are things in my head I'm pretending I've dealt with that I haven't.
For example, I was so stressed out in one of my dreams (and I am stressed out with this person in real life), that I BIT him. What makes this worse, is the fact he is 6 years old. I am thankful I am able to refrain from this behavior during waking hours.
Another dream is the ex of the Amicable Ex. I keep trying to push the dumb hoe out of my mind but she keeps coming back...and after a LONG talk with the Amicable Ex, I feel like I may have some sort of sixth sense. And long late night talks are also not condusive to sleep.
Problem is, this is affecting my daily life. I am a very organized person (not in my life exactly, but in my work and surroundings), and I have been losing things. I don't live in a very big space but I have LOST my scissors, hairspray, and glasses. I have looked everywhere and really am empathizing with those facing early dementia. The glasses pose a real problem as I am blind as a bat and can no longer read in bed or rest my eyes for an hour. (Without running into a chair or wall. At least I can see color.)
I need to sleep.

The kid gets back in the picture

Jan 13: Life of celibacy vow
Jan 21: Obama-hotness makes it go out the window.... Klarinka is re-toxing on her resolutions :)

Things that happened to me yesterday:
1. I saw a man on a bike pulling a trailer that was covered with soft core porn mags and cards with 1-900 numbers. I thought it might be funny to talk to the guy, who was wearing a red jumpsuit with studs and chains, but when I started to ride close to him he began yelling about how "fuckin' hip hip is ruining America." We did not converse.
2. Received two offers from two different people to go out for beers. In Portland, that means a date.
3. Did a successful shoulder stand at yoga without falling over.
4. Began planning blog convention/tequila drinking drinking '09.

And now the question of the week: why does crazy shit, like almost getting arrested in Chinatown, always happen on Sundays?

Yes we can.

I thought I had learned my lesson about weeknight drinking. However, Obama seems to have temporarily blinded me. A low key night resulted with the same guy in my bed in the morning. Deja vu? Also, I managed to get out of bed with a full 15 minutes to shower and make myself presentable. I think I pulled it off.

Suck it, Trebek

Man, you tell people you're on the bench and this makes one a hot commodity. It can also make for some social encounters between friends who think that even though you're not dating, you're still into bangin'. If I learned one thing last year, it was to not drink the water in South America. If I learned two things, it was to "not shit where you eat." The third thing I've learned - and just from last night - that I should not participate on gymnastic events when I have no formal training of doing things like flips on rings and such. I am so sore today....

Social graces

I love Klarinka's sober wisdom. I have been also laying off the sauce this week, due more to fear of wicked hangovers than trying to save money. But I haven't found enlightenment. Damn. Anyways, I have a Miss Manners question about blind dates. A very nice family friend has been trying to introduce me to her cousin who lives in the same city I do. However, he's 55; I'm 27. I don't think she quite realizes the awkwardness of this introduction. So she emailed last week to give both of us each other's emails; neither of us has written back. But I'm afraid it would be rude to not write something because I know the next time I see her she will ask if we got in touch. Awkward....

Dating Lessons

So, I've discovered that a lack of alcohol and men can really increase focus in your profession. As Stefka continues to crack me up, I'm recalling some of the lessons I've learned (still learning) about dating.

Lesson #1: When you see it's small, don't even try. Just run.
Anything less results in an unhappy you or just awkward occurences as you think of every reason why you have to go or why you really are so busy. For someone as transparent as myself, it can be extremely challenging to conceal fear. ("Umm..I think I'm moving to Mexico...tomorrow.")

Lesson #2: If you are double dating, don't frequent the same places.
Even in cities, this can be dangerous. And in your hometown, you constantly have to be on watch because any possible location can contain spies. Restaraunts, clubs, parks, even nail salons have exposed my double life. For example, when the guy you're dating calls and says he saw you in a Walgreen's with another guy, your lie just makes you look stupid. Especially when he obtains the security tape footage. (Which I feel is illegal- I no longer shop at Walgreens.)

Lesson #3: No matter how mad you are, try to avoid revenge hookups.
Especially when you get back together with the person. Especially when the revenge hookup happens to be the guy who stole your ex's high school girlfriend. Especially when the revenge hookup happens to be the guy in the apartment directly above the apartment your ex currently lives in. ("Funny running into you here!")

Recession dating

For those who had to cut Match.com out of their budgets: http://www.downtoearth.com/

I like the "no married people!" rule. Smart. Doing some of the hard work for us.

The Celibate

Though this will disappoint quite a few, I have done a 180 concerning my new lifestyle. After last weekend, I have decided I will pursue a life of celibacy for awhile. I figure I've had my fair share and it's time to focus on me. I went from a boyfriend and several crushes to a state of apathy toward men. I know this may slow the blogging but I have a slew of historic tales to fill until I return. I also considered pursuing a lifestyle of soberness but know that is unrealistic. So, instead I'm just limiting myself to the weekend indulgence. For now. And when I start drinking, well, the celibacy may go right out the window as well.

Real life sucks

I went to my job interview tipsy today in reaction to getting laid off. Not a smooth when you're trying to look professional. Getting into the elevator with another girl who was obviously also headed to the office, we both rode up until the doors opened and she got off. Still thinking I had a couple more floors and she was confused, I stayed in the elevator. The doors closed and the elevator didn't move; the doors opened and two guys were standing there. Looking at me oddly, they asked where I was going. "To the fifth floor," I answered in my duh-tone of voice. "Well, miss, you're on the fifth floor." I had to walk out of the elevator sheepishly and see the girl who I had been riding with standing at the front desk, probably wondering why I had just stood in the elevator alone for a minute. I told everyone I had a cold and was taking cough medicine to explain my loopy-ness.

On another note, I'm twenty seven, have two degrees (three if you count my EFL certificate), and am unemployed. What the hell am I going to do?

Unemployed and drunk

The ax came down today. Company had lost too much money and they were slashing positions right and left. I got caught in the crossfire. Now I don't have a job. So I'm doing what all good unemployed people do - drink.

Though I do have a job interview this afternoon, I decided champagne would be appropriate. I am now tanked and trying to spell correctly.

On other fronts, the non-relationship relationship crawled out of a hole and sent a non-senscial text message. He fails two booty calls and then expects me to respond? While I am dumb, I'm not that dumb. Sucker!

My head hurts

After my Bridget Jones'-style Friday night, things actually started to look up. One of my best friends called to set me up with a guy in her Ph.D program that she's been telling me about, and this guy I've got this weird non-relationship relationship (more on this later) was in the mood to hang out (as friends) as well. If you're concerned I may have double booked myself for one night, never fear! Of all my issues, having too many men and not enough time is not of them.

"Open bar" and "free wine and beer" are phrases that should be used cautiously around me. Being a fiscally-strapped young professional I like to get my money's worth. Last night was this awards banquet and I was being recognized, though I forgot to stand up when they called my name, and there was an open bar. Before meeting up with both or either of my two dates, I thought it might be smooth to have a drink to relax. Or four.

As it ended up, one didn't call and my stupid non-relationship relationship hanging out plan went down like this:

6:30 Him "Let me know when you're headed out after the banquet"
8:30 Him "How are things going?"
8:45 Me "X, Y, Z and etc are going to this bar shortly"
8:46: Him "And what are you doing?"
8:47 Me "Me too"
8:48 Him "Heading out."

Well, X, Y, and Z decided to go home so it was left to me to bring the fun and while I waited for him, had a couple more drinks. Plans and locations kept changing (with about twenty texts going back and forth) and then at 10:00 I receive "You weren't there. Headed to another party."

So I called explaining that things had gotten confusing, every one was leaving but if he still wanted to hang out I was up for another drink. "Sorry, another time. Bad communication, I guess..." Seriously? But it didn't end there.

Was home by 10:15, upon which I receive a slew of messages that the party is lame and he's leaving. Even though I don't respond I get another message a few minutes later: "where are you?"

Classy. We're supposed to be friends - we went on a couple dates, we're not each others type, we had the adult conversation, things were mutual and then this stuff happens. I got a text on Friday night which I assume was a low effort booty call of "I'm your neighborhood." So what's all this? I already did this non-relationship relationship bull shit last year for seven months and it was horrible. Why can't we just be friends and be cool with that? Why does this have to be so hard?

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

"Do you want me to get pregnant?"

So, as I reflect over my mishaps with a bottle of wine (as Denver man sleeps solo in my bed), I begin to question how my most serious relationships started. Normally under fairly abnormal circumstances.

The summer after my senior year, I go on a camping trip with small group. Tensions are high with the random mix of people and an overwhelming amount of testosterone. I am looking smoking hot in my camping clothes that resemble an 80's rock star. Pink tee, holes in my jeans, and hair that was dyed black with a hose in my backyard. You can imagine.

However, a fifth of vodka and four 12 packs later, everyone was having much more fun. Suddenly I don't have clothes and I'm on a trucking road with a man on top of me. Being only 18, I don't have a ton of smooth lines under my belt and decide the most romantic comment would be, "Do you want me to get pregnant?!?!" This luckily scared the guy enough to refrain (or bolt) and at some point, I assume, we stumbled back to the campsite. I wake up with my face smashed into the bottom of the tent with a back that looked like 10 kittens used it as a scratching post. And then we dated for 8 years. I'd like to think I've gotten smoother.

Denver Man

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Oh, Stefanka. The only thing that makes it even better was knowing that you were writing that while drinking to the sing-along version of Mama Mia.

I seem to always take a week to settle into things. Whenever I move or head to a new country, it always takes me a full 5-7 days to forget all I've left behind and embrace my new circumstances. So, as of last night, I was headed into that welcomed phase when the ex decides to call. Then proceeds to call another 10 times throughout the night. Let me explain why this was not condusive to circumstances.

I drunk dialed a guy from Denver to visit and he did. Such a gentleman, I was caught off guard that guys who hold open doors and walk on the outside of the sidewalk existed. Big tough men are usually my type and they usually need reminders that they need to even unlock a car door on the passenger side after they have settled in behind the wheel. Then I realized that he can't get it up. After an awkward attempt, I am too scared to try again.

He was sooo nice. But that was it. I didn't feel the zing. We didn't sleep together and kept cuddling and kissing. And I got annoyed- "Stop touching me!" I thought it was obvious nothing was there, but he left claiming, "if you can't get out to Denver for a bit, I don't mind flying back here first." What? Did we experience the same weekend?

I need someone who has bite.
And who I can bite back to.

If I didn't dress like I had a seizure in Patricia Field's closet, I wouldn't be at home on the couch tonight

*Warning: drunk post

I was riding through downtown today when I saw this cute guy riding a black, red and white Redline (my bike too!) As I began imagining how we'd take romantic bike rides together, where we'd honeymoon and name our kids, I didn't realize he had ridden up next to me and was smiling. "Where is Broadway?" he asked and I kind of pointed and spastically gestured in some random direction. I wanted to make more conversation but then I glanced in some office windows and saw what I was wearing and it was horrible. A bright red jacket, random turquoise scarf that kept coming undone as I was riding so I had kind of made a noose around my neck, hair half-stuffed under a black cap, oversized sunglasses and socks with sunflowers. I looked like a child who had gone into Patricia Field's closet, had a seizure and walked out. Not cute.

So I rode off cursing and reminding myself to always look in the mirror before I leave the house. But then he was back! Riding behind me, smiling again. And I all I could do was make some kind of gurgling, half-whimper sound that I hoped was cute. It was not.

Goddamnit. Had I been able to speak English and dress myself properly, we might be half drunk and fondling in some eastside bar. Names aren't important; good tongue usage is.

Four percent.

Smarter, not harder

I was talking with a good friend once about how frustrating it is to be book smart but semi-idiotic and do things like use hand soap in the dish washer. My mom always tells me she's amazed I've made it this far in life with all of my "incidents" and accidents, and I have to agree. I have done a lot of blatantly stupid things. Don't ever joke around about having a criminal record during a job interview.

Anyways, after talking about something stupid that she or I had recently done, she offered up this pearl of wisdom: "If I were just four percent smarter, my life would be totally different." So there you go, folks. A four percent increase in brainpower and smarts is all it takes to change a life.

However, looking back on 2008 I feel that I was perhaps up to 26% stupider, particularly in my choices of male company. I also made some poor decisions about experimenting with herbal home remedies that came from packages written in languages I don't speak. Here's a hint - do the web research or have some who understands Spanish translate the directions before you O.D on something referred to as "nature's valium."

But this year will be different. I'm making resolutions and "smarter, not harder" is the theme of 2009.

1. Never go into an Ecuadorian bath house, and if you do, keep your clothes on and your mouth closed
2. When going to the bathroom outside, always pee downhill
3. When going to the bathroom inside, always make sure your belt or any ribbons you might have hanging from your outfit are not in the toilet
4. Don't microwave bike shorts
5. Always remember to take a map or an i Phone when going into the wilderness
6. Don't date men who are currently in relationships
7. Don't date men that have been in the armed forces or tell you how much they enjoyed killing people
8. E.D. is a laughing matter - except to someone's face. Just call it a night at that point.
9. Don't expect to meet quality people at dive bars.
10. Do buy a ticket to Belize ASAP when your friend tells you she's found a great deal

And by the way, I would like to thank Katinka for her hilarious text messages the other night during the ten bottle of wine-break up binge. Laughter always heals. :)

10 Empty Wine Bottles

So, I am constructively dealing with this breakup with heavy drinking and sex. A girlfriend came over for pizza and wine on Tuesday night and that somehow produced a massive hangover, 10 empty wine bottles, and a man in my bed. Apparently, I called him at midnight to "bring over wine." Holy toledo. On top of this, I made the fatal mistake of an angry text to the ex, which does not help to promote a future friendship.
I'm going a little crazy. Can whoring myself out for a short time result in a zen state?

The Amicable Breakup

I don't really know how this all plays out yet. Which just results in sleepless nights. I know we'll stay friendly, but how close? It's weird because we still talk everyday and he still wants me to visit and vice versa. Hmmm....not sure if that's a good idea or not. Should I go cold turkey, which hurts a lot now but may be better in the long run? Or do I do the gradual breakup which is how I generally handle most breakups and although it takes forever, lets it slowly and less painfully end.

I go back and forth (overanalyzing is my speciality). I went from being a total bitch to him on Friday night (which resulted in him gong home and promptly changing his myspace status. OMG) to feeling like shit the next day, apologizing profusely and hanging out with him like normal on Saturday and having amazing an amazing time.

I do better cold turkey with boys when it involves leaving the country. Not an option right now with this whole career thing.