Sunday, March 29, 2009

Life is hard

I went to Portland Saturday Market yesterday and played a new version of the popular board game "Life." However, I failed to make it very far in "Life" because I kept getting aborted before I could be born and start the game. What does that mean?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Thing 1 and Thing 2

The only redeeming factor about me reentering the dating scene is the material for this blog. It gets better and better. I've also realized that dating can make you an incredibly skilled actress. It's all about pretending like you are fascinated with some story when really, you are just thrilled about eating and drinking for free.

What lesson am I on? Lesson #4?- Don't date 2 guys with the same name. When you think you call Thing #1 and ask if you can meet an hour later for tonight's date, and you've really called Thing #2...trouble can ensue. Thing #2 actually lives 45 minutes away, and for some reason, sounds thrilled to get together tonight, "although he doesn't remember making plans." Oops. I quickly try to back out but he insists Friday night is perfect. I meekly agree and then face the fact I have two dates, at the same time, with the same name. Clusterfucks are my speciality.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I want to go to Tyland!

Last night's St. Paddy's Day festivities involved me running into someone from my high school. I was slightly alarmed that he remembered my name when I only found him vaguely familiar, but didn't think about it too much. After a short, pointless conversation, I faked a bathroom break and rejoined my friends. He then hung on our group until I finally used a friend's husband to pose as my boyfriend. This did not deter high school boy, however, and he asked me if I was in love. Caught off guard, I think I literally snorted out a "no." "Then I still have hope," was his poetic response. I think I may have a stalker. I have no idea how he got my email address and am even more concerned about the subject. CREEPY. Here goes (this is worth cutting and pasting.)

Hey its "High School Boy:.. that guy you met last nite..

I'm sorry if i made things weird in front of your boy friend, if that was your boy friend, i think you were trying to tell me that when we first started talking, or maybe not.. You know even though i was pretty drunk last night... i couldn't really sleep much, i couldn't get over the fact that after all these years i Finally talked to the girl i would always seen jogging in that park.. but life always holds supprises for us all.. it gave me one when i was 17 when my mother died.. and i had to move over to this side of Washington to live with my father that i hadn't seen 10 years before hand.. I've missed out on afew things in life, but i've been very Fortunate.. I've done alot of traveling and seen alot of the world.. I've been to Two islands in Hawii, Spain, Israel, Rome, Tyland (worst trip EVER almost got killed, but i can tell you about that later) and all over the states. My Father is an Air Traffic controler, so I can get plane tickets to next to nothing..

I don't know how your relationship is with your boy Friend is but i'd like to know you Klarinka... all those times i saw you in that park.. i should have said something to you.... last night when we were smoking, it was hard for me not to get lost in those eye's of yours... but at the very least i'd like to just be e-mail buddies with you... its actusually been sometime since i have talked to a women.. i was in a relationship for a very long time.. but she was.. taken from me becasue of her family... and it left me very heart broken... i don't know if you have ever been in love before.. but when your in love for the first time in your life, and you lose that.. its hard to believe that you'll ever.... feel that feeling again.. and it makes other relationships feel pointless...

what kind of music do you like? i like all forms of music myself.... here is a song that i listen to this morning when i was thinkin about ya ..
Well.. i hope to hear from you Klarinka..
Bye, "High School Boy"

Monday, March 16, 2009

Men in the morning light.

I have a new favorite: Zumba! It's an aerobic class based on the salsa...after a few awkward beginnings, I was dancing like a Mexican- or at least that's how good I looked next to the 80 year man next to me who explained he was in his dance shoes (and short red shorts) because he slipped around too much last time...

So I've decided I do not like the opposite sex staying in my home. Morning light casts a different look on men, which doesn't help when accompanied with a hangover. Somehow I never felt this grudge with the Amicable Ex...maybe that comes with intimacy, maybe with my own lack of self consicousness around him. Either way, I've decided that if it's not a girl friend in my bed, I only want to wake up to my kitten.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Social Mores

I really hate telling people, "so, I have this infection..." Even though it's my kidneys, I still feel like a dirty pirate hooker.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

This is why I don't drink red wine

Because it stains your mouth and teeth purple, and when you are hoping that you look enticing and sexy for a good night kiss, a bright purple ring around your lips does not say "come to me, lover!"  Damn you, my pale Viking ancestors for my fair complexion that does not hide any flaws!

Monday, March 9, 2009

I've got nothin'

Literally. Non-relationship relationship has found God and while that's all well and good, I think that's the death knell for this business.

Note to self: when going to the doctor's office with your purse full of every vitamin you take (you brought all the bottles to show your doctor), be careful when bending down close too counters. Otherwise you might knocked your forehead and almost take yourself out. This is especially dangerous when wearing high heals.

Hot does not mean smart

So, for the last 65 minutes, I have been on the phone with the hottest man I have ever seen in a Starbucks. However, I should have left it at Starbucks. Another lesson learned the hard way: hot does not mean smart. For someone who claims to be a hetrosexual Christian, I have never met anyone who uses more affectations to their voice and quizzes me more about my astrology than a superstitious girlfriend. I thought he just might be nervous, but after launching into moon cycles and their effect on aries, I realized he was just deranged.
This may be just me, but usually the first chat includes small talk such as: weather, movies, bars, traveling, etc. This guy proceeded to GRILL me about past relationships, what I was looking for, how I act in a relationship (doesn't at least a date and a drink come before this talk?) ...and then was disappointed by my "vague politically correct answers." I was frightened. Remind me not to make small talk while waiting for my soy matter what muscles are before me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Spilt Milk

I think I'm experiencing withdrawls. I am going through a 2 week cleanse to better myself and that involves no drinking. Also, I've been abstaining from boys since to be honest- I'm having a hard time finding anyone who gives me the zing. And I must have the zing. So, I'm realizing that I may have a preoccupation with denying myself these things because the last 3 nights my dreams have involved wine and sex. Hmmm...what is on my subconscious? Two things my body craves and is not getting.
Plus, I am frustrated with the amicable ex who drunk dials me Friday night (I'm cleansing, so I'm sober) and proceeds to lecture me about how he can't believe I drunk dialed him last Sunday and can't remember what I said. Does this spell irony to anyone else? We broke up- I don't feel like I need to listen to his lectures anymore. Especially this awe inspiring one where he starts going on about marriage but that I'm too fucked up to marry because my life is drama. Wow. He even starts going off on me for my lastest car crash...which wasn't my fault. A middle aged space cadet rear ended me at a stoplight. But because it's me and I chose to laugh about it when I retold the story to him (I don't see the point in crying over spilt milk- especially since mine is always spilling) that there is obviously something wrong with me. Why am I putting up with this? Just stop when you're ahead buddy. I chose to not answer my 2 am phone calls late Saturday night...haven't heard from him since.

Monday, March 2, 2009

It's come to this

I'm going to a self-massage class tonight. Desperate times call for desperate measures: I'm paying to rub myself in front of a group of people.