Skillz

I don't have any, which is obvious to most of my past boyfriends. In my head, doing things like pulling someone's underwear off with your teeth or trying to hook your leg around them is - in theory - sexy. In reality, accidental biting and scrotum kneeing happens. So it's clear I don't have skills.

But when I've been drinking, this all makes sense. And so when the non-relationship relationship dropped me off last night after a night of Mardi Gras fun, I was ready. I had showered, I had washed my hair, I had put on both mascara and deodorant, and I was drunkity drunk drunk. Like I said, I was ready. Stopping the car, I made what I thought was a seductive face (in reality it was probably a weird squint), and said something bland like "goodnight." We hugged and while hugging, he pulled back and said "be good." Now, that alone is a weird thing to say and deserves multiple obsessive compulsive hours of analysis, but at that moment I took this as some sexy play on words and responded (it sounded coy in my head, but probably slurred in real life), "be good? How so? Can I be bad...?" My memory goes fuzzy here but I don't think anything special was said. All I know is then my hat fell off my head, I went crawling over seats for it, and when I found it, the moment was lost. Maybe it was never there. I leaned over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and tried to make a sexy exit but got confused by the child-proof locks on the door. Thirty seconds later, I got the door open and went inside alone and defeated to fall asleep.

No skillz.